Terrible early childhood
I always saw fights between my parents. If my father was at home, there was a fight each moment. I could not remember a moment when my father talked with me in a friendly environment as father and son. I could not remember sitting on the lap of my father although my father used to play with other kids in front of me. I do not remember having food with my father in my childhood and teenage. I do not remember any celebration even a small scale in my home. I do not remember going parks or playgrounds with my parents as a family.
I have been enduring the frustration, depression, irritation, and reactions of my mother since my childhood. I have been used a dustbin by my parents to throw their reactions, irritations, frustrations, depressions and negativities, probably this is why they do not feel emotions for me even now. They do not even feel emotions for my son also, born one year ago, seems I never existed for them.
When I was about twelve years old, the conflicts between my parents were very intense also were at the peak. My mother had started to threat my father for divorce although she was not working, not earning any money, owning no parental property, no support from parents.
Sometimes as pressure tactics, when my father was in the home, my mother left the house leaving a suicide note in the home, but we always found her near a railway track, waiting for my father bringing her back to home on her conditions. Each time I was very sad to lose her; I always took her suicide note sincerely.
Probably to put huge pressure on my father, one day my mother eloped and started to live with her parental family. She lived there for many months. I travelled a few times to request my mother to come back home, but she was waiting for my father to follow her conditions.
My mother always thinks that she is a victim, my father is always wrong, and she must force him to do right things. For everything, she always instructed my father. How to talk, how to smile, how to behave. She used to instruct my father, how to speak with me. She always thought that my father is a fool and immoral person, and she is very expert of psychology and a highly valued person. She never gave a chance to my father to behave and live with his originality with me; probably this is why he had no interest to talk and play with me.
I think because my mother kept opposing social commitments of my father although he was very committed to downtrodden people. He was not wasting life; he was struggling for exploited people. With the time she turned to a very selfish, self-centred, full of negativity and psychological sick woman. A kind woman ended as a termagant, cruel and insensitive mother. I realised that a person could never be a sensible person by opposing and abusing social commitments and values.
Sexually abused childhood
When I was in class sixth, just nine and a half years old, I began to look for my father in various villages, when he was not visiting home for many weeks, sometimes three or four months. It was not easy to find my father. Maybe he was in a different village in the noon, in a different village in the evening and night in a different village. There were no connecting roads and google map to search a village. Usually, he was working for very backward communities of the region. No mobile, no internet, no phone.
Usually, each time I accompanied with a political volunteer of my father. Always it took a few days to find him; occasionally I returned without seeing him, leaving a message for him in a village in the hope that maybe he will visit that village again soon and will get a message. For a child, it was harsh and painful to travel with heavy crowded transports, unknown strange communities and people. Sometimes staying in their houses, eating their food.
Under these circumstances, a friend of my parents got opportunities to abuse me sexually a few times, inserting his penis into my anal and dropping semen inside when I was about ten to eleven years old. I did not disclose these sexually abused incidents with anyone. Under the circumstances of my family and behaviours of my parents, as a child, I could not have said anything about it to anyone. Now at the age of more than forty years, I am speaking about it.
I was sent to a government school after primary education. The government school had big old buildings, big playgrounds built by the British. The teachers were so irresponsible although they were getting big salaries. There was no teacher for some subjects or one teacher for a few hundred students. In my class, there were two hundred students. Classrooms were huge and were able to accommodate more than two hundred students. There was no teacher for English.
Teachers were not teaching in classrooms, but they were directly/indirectly forcing students for tuition in the homes of teachers. Hundreds of students were going to tuition in the houses of teachers. Teachers were making extra money by this. If a student was not paying for tuition, he was failed intentionally in half-yearly or annual or both examinations by the subject teacher. Paying monthly fees for tuition was important, one could pay for tuition without attending tuition-classes to get marks in the examinations.
In future, I completed a graduation with mechanical engineering followed by research in decentralised energy systems.
I thought I could mediate between my parents; thus I started to read many psychology, sociology, history and great ideas books to understand the conditioning, consciousness and mindset of people. I read many books; I was too innocent that time, I was hoping that my parents will listen to me, will understand me and one day I will be able to resolve the issues to build a lovely family with my parents.
To live with a beautiful and loving family with trust and harmony was my ultimate goal. With the time, I understood about the conditioning of individuals, communities, manmade systems, religions and civilisations. I started with my family but ended with the entire society. I read thousands of books to understand many issues to build a better society.
I started YOG when I was hardly seven or eight years old. I was sitting all night in PADMASAN with straight backbone thinking about life, consciousness and soul, as I had understanding and presumptions that time. I did this up to my age of twenty-three years.
Many conditionings and beliefs were broken inside me. I actively wanted to understand the life, conditioning, beliefs and values. I decided to use my whole for a better and harmonical society. I never even for a second thought about myself, selfishness and security. I never used my life energy for personal gain, for self-interest, safety, security, likeness, lust or wants.
I wanted to know more and more things about life and thoughts, and I reduced my sleep a lot to save time. I started YOG. I reduced intake of grains a lot. Mostly, I began to take milk and fruits.
I started YOG with AASANAs, YAM, NIYAM and PRANAYAMA. I became used to sit on PADMASANA doing PRANAYAMAs all night. I used to hold breath outside and inside for many minutes. While I was holding the breath out means no breath inside the body, I was concentrating on my mind and consciousness. I realised many deeper values and understanding. It was like an awakening.
I reached into deeper levels of YOG. I realised that YOG is not aerobics, it is not physical exercise. YOG is something else entirely. YOG is understanding of life. YOG is universal consciousness. YOG is the realisation of being "unseparated universal ONE", means we are not separate we are one every unit of the existence. YOG is not lust but deconditioning. YOG is not physical fitness tool but selfishlessness. YOG is the complete merge of self in universal-existence.
I could have felt cognition, the changes in the electric/magnetic fields, disturbances in others’ minds, thoughts and emotions, negativity or positivity.
As I was reaching into deeper stages, I realised that my body could reflect with many minor changes in various fields. I started to understand the differences in local, relative and absolute truth(s). I wrote three diaries writing my realisation although it was as impossible to write the experiences in words. The words and the language are not empowered to express consciousness level deeper understanding, awareness and experiences. You could feel it, you could realise it, you could see it, you could experience it, but you cannot convert it in words and languages, impossible.
One day I realised that now I have only two options. One- eloping from the mainstream world; the Second- I should use my life and energy to make this world better with peace, harmony and awakening without exploitation, violence and conditioning. I decided to move towards the universal-consciousness-YOG, practical exploration of practical possibilities for making this world better for each unit living with harmony. I stopped YOG; my body took a long time to reduce reflecting on the changes of electromagnetic and other fields.
One day, they searched my room and found my diaries. After reading my diaries, they thought I am a very roughneck, uncouth and rotten person with putridity. They burnt my diaries. I still miss that loss; it was the most unfortunate loss of my entire life. These diaries were based on my organic thoughts, awakening and movements in the YOG.
YOG gave me the strength for segregating myself with any environment, situation and circumstances.
I had a deep and strong-will to understand consciousness level human psychology, conditioning, development of values/ideas, building and movements of conditioning, values and the systems of the society and civilisation. I wanted to understand each element of the society, culture and civilisation. Without understanding interrelated essences and influencing aspects of the psychology, conditioning and values of human and society; it is not possible to move even a single substantial step towards the solution and a harmony world.
The libraries in Lucknow and the punishments by parents
According to my parents, writing diaries, doing YOG, reading thoughtful books were depraved and evil deeds thus they started to punish me. After the physical and emotional tortures of more than a week, one day my mother told me that she does not want to see her younger son ruined because of me thus she does not want to see me in the house anymore. For her, it was a punishment to me, but it was a big opportunity for me. I had read many books in the available local libraries and wanted to explore more extensive libraries, Lucknow the state capital, had better opportunities. I told my mother I am happy to follow the punishment. I was around nineteen years old.
They moved me to Lucknow. Parents were giving me money hardly enough for survival. Managing expenses of the rent of a simple tiny room, food and local travel were impossible. Because of social conditioning and the feudal mentalities of the prominent families, I was not allowed to do any activities to earn some pocket-money; strictly prohibited by parents.
I needed money to travel to libraries and other things. To save money, I started to consume less food. I was getting supplies of lentils, wheat and rice from home farming. For saving money for local travels to the libraries, I changed my eating habits and stuck with only lentils and rice, no spices and vegetables except salt. I was not spending any money on food except for salt. Also, I was walking to libraries from the room for saving money. It was time-consuming to go various libraries on every day, or the alternate days thus I was walking to different libraries in one day and was borrowing many books and journals enough for a couple of weeks. On an average, I was walking more than twenty kilometres on the library-day.
To save time, I was not cooking food daily. I used to cook enough amount lentil and rice for few days. I did not have a refrigerator. India is a hot country thus eating the off-food was my regular habit.
In no-libraries days, I was staying at home, reading books after books all day. To study more and more books, I was sleeping decidedly less, hardly three hours, sometimes two hours and sometimes zero hours. Depend on books, the strength of the body and the food availability.
Breaking the boundaries of feudal mentality
One night, I was walking to my room from the inter-city bus station. I met a rickshaw puller. Daytime he was pulling rickshaw to earn money and night time he was using his rickshaw as his home. He was postgraduate. I became his friend; we used to have in-depth discussions about life.
After meeting him a few times. One day I requested him that I also want to pull the rickshaw. He agreed to give me his rickshaw in the night time. A few nights I pulled the rickshaw, earned money for him and affronts by the people I was manually pulling on the rickshaw. It was a big learning of human behaviours. I worked as a casual labourer in building construction for two days but pulling rickshaw was a very big learning curve towards human sensitivity.
As a YOG teacher
A maternal uncle of my mother moved to Lucknow. He was shifting his naturopathy centre to Lucknow. He needed a physical-exercise-YOG teacher for his centre. I accepted his proposal. I started to teach physical-exercise-YOG in three classes, repeating YOG exercises three times daily in the morning.
The learners had different agendas to learn YOG exercise. The graduate/postgraduate students who wanted to get concentration on the study to get seats in government service competitive examinations. People who wanted to cure their sickness. People who wanted to feel relaxed. People who wanted to be physically fit. Some people who wanted to improve their sexual capacity and other. None of them was for real YOG; they had their agendas of lust and consumption. I realised why India has hundreds of yoga shops internationally, having many so-called yoga gurus.
Yog is selfishlessness and state of consciousness; not a physical exercise or aerobics but yog is used only for various lusts, consumption, selfishness and physical fitness. The people who cannot attain the consciousness and mind level states, physical-YOG-exercises help them to control as a possibility to move towards YOG. But YOG has become the tool for consumption and laic and carnal pleasures.
My efforts for earning money and parents forced me to leave Lucknow
Somehow, my parents knew that I help the maternal uncle of my mother. My mother came to Lucknow. By chance, I was in the house of her uncle. She behaved with me very nicely in front of them. She told me that she brought some stuff for me, so she wants to visit my room. She hired a rickshaw, and she started to beat me publicly on the road while we were on that rickshaw. That rickshaw puller was no stranger to me because some YOG learners used to come to the YOG centre on his rickshaw. He was shocked to see me, beaten by my mother publicly. At the arrival in my room, my mother met my landlord, the first time. She told my landlord that he should beat me daily, but he said to her that Vivek is a nice person. My mother told him that she knows me the best. She left to Kanpur. My landlords spent a few hours with me he felt sympathy because of the behaviour of my mother.
All these incidents forced me to decide for breaking financial relations with my parents. I started to explore possibilities to earn money; I was prepared to face any punishment/reaction by my parents. One of my friends agreed with me to start a coaching centre jointly for mathematics and physics subjects for class eleven, twelve and undergraduate students. This endeavour needed very less capital investment; his father agreed to give me a short-term loan with fifty percent shares for his son. I took a nursery school on rent for evening timings. I got it with a cheap rent because the school was getting extra income for non-working hours. I did not need money to invest in furniture. Around thirty-five students were ready to join. We had paid one-month advance rent and waiting for the first day. But the first day never came.
One day, my father came to Lucknow with his people. Forcefully, I was taken to his house in Kanpur, after a couple of days, I was sent to his other house in Fatehpur. I was around twenty-two years old.
Home-jail by parents and continuous physical and emotional tortures for around two years
In Fatehpur house, all rooms were locked by parents except a tiny room where I got a bed to sleep. There was no extra space in that room other than the bed; now it is used as a storeroom. For stopping me from going outside from the house, the doors were locked. I was not allowed to use the doors of the tenant.
Parents were visiting Fatehpur house weekly. They used to beat me all nights on weekends; it was the routine for many months, the weekly tortures overnight. Probably, my mother had become bored or tired or enjoyed enough beating me, whatever the reason but she gradually reduced her visits to Fatehpur house for punishing me on weekends, from once in a week to once in a fortnight then once in a month.
My father was not coming to Fatehpur house for days. Without proper food somehow I was trying to survive. Sometimes the wife of the tenant was giving me some food, feeling pity for me. Sometimes my father left five or ten kilograms potatoes before leaving the house for one or two weeks. I had to eat those potatoes without salt and other vegetables. Days and days I was eating only boiled potatoes with salt. In the periods of no gas in the cylinder, I used to live without food some days. No money was ever given to me; I was locked in the house.
—— Beaten publically by father including the presence of hundreds of strangers
Living like this, one day I used the door of the tenant to go outside. That day father was in Fatehpur; he was in his court-office. I went to his office; he became furious at me, I asked him a simple question that why I am here in home jail, how long I will be like this. He started to beat me there in front of hundreds of people. When he stopped, I asked him to hit me more, but I need an answer. He beat me more and more but no response, some strangers came to intercept beating; I told them very bluntly not to intercept him. That day when my father came home in the night and beat me all night, but that day I felt relaxed because at least I vented myself a bit. After this incident, I was mentally prepared for few more months to live in that home jail without venting myself.
—— Ears damaged, beaten brutally for hours by my father
One day I was beaten for around six hours with a stiff rod by my father. He hit on my ears intentionally or unintentionally, my both ears were damaged, were releasing blood. The left ear was severely damaged, leaked water twenty-four hours for around three years. After beating, my father left home and came back after few days with my mother to take me for attending the marriage of younger brother of my mother. Ears had bled two days; my singlets had become red. I was putting and changing cotton singlets in my ear twenty-four hours because of ear water leakages. But my parents did not care for my ears, did not ask anything, not a single word of sympathy or care or sadness. My mother took me to the doctor after three years when I was a student of the second year of engineering graduation. Till now even after many years, I have to take precautions for my ear although ear has become used to various weathers.
—— Moved to Kanpur house, tortures continued by my mother
I do not know why, but I was sent to Kanpur house. I did not know how should I feel after spending around one year in a parent-home-jail with dense and continuous tortures, broken ears with constant water leakages; had lost fertility of brain; had lost fluency in the English language; many other capacities were lost. But I was dreaming that probably after moving me into Kanpur house, now parents will not abuse and will show some sensitivity after torturing me so brutally continuously for almost one year, and I will get some opportunities to study. But after few weeks my mother told me that I would have to compete for engineering entrance examinations in next session. She said it would be the last opportunity in my life. If I have the intelligence and strength, I have no other choice than opening the doors of this opportunity.
I had no idea, where my life is heading. But I had no options except following my mother's instructions without if or but. Just because they gave me birth, they were right, perfect, rational, sensitive, honest, and thoughtful for me. It was me,who was wrong, evil, thief, characterless, insensitive, illogical, thoughtless and...
My mother made me a timetable. She gave me two sleep-slots for choosing one; 9:00 pm to 1:00 am or 12:00 am to 4:00 am. I picked 9:00 pm to 1:00 am sleep-slot; only four hours sleep in twenty-four hours.
My mother locked all rooms in the house; only one room was open for me. She shifted her bed also in my room. She started to lock the kitchen after cooking food to prohibit me from eating more food than the amount given by her. She was deciding the amount and type of food; I should eat in a meal per day; very less amount of food because according to my mother a big amount of food influences a person to sleep. Toilets were locked, each time I needed to go toilets, I had to take her permission also the keys.
Daily without any reason probably should be termed as beating for preventions; she was beating me two or three times for no reason. She used to beat me brutally with any tool she found.
According to the timetable given by my mother, I got only four hours to sleep. But practically I got only around two hours sleep daily. Daily in the night at 9:00 pm just before my time of sleep she used to deliver lectures that I sleep a lot, I am a rubbish person, and she is one of the most unfortunate women having an evil son like me, her words resonated in my mind daily while I was sleeping. Even she gave me waking time at 1:00 am but at around 12:30 am sometimes also at 12:00 am she used to kick me with her feet to wake me up.
Between 1:00 am to 6:00 am in the morning, daily she was beating me a few times saying that I was sleeping although my eyes and books open. I have no idea how did she get an impression that I could sleep with open eyes. She never understood one fundamental thing that it is me who wants to sleep least because I want to get a seat in engineering college to get rid of from these inhumane and brutal circumstances.
I did not know, under these circumstances how did I survive! I had decided that if I do not get a seat in an engineering college, I will end my life. I did not want just to keep myself alive. I was thinking I will end my life because just eating, poohing and sleeping is not a meaningful life for me. I was very sad because of all my struggles; all my sufferings were ending with nothing.
I survived and still surviving.
My wishes as a child and a son
When I was a child, I had deepest wish to live with happiness, trust, peace, love and harmony with my parents and the family. I wanted to eat food sitting with my father. I wanted to share my queries with my parents; I wanted to ask many questions about their understanding of life. I wanted to play with them together. I wanted to tell them what I like what I don’t like. I wanted to say, my mother, that if I am getting 99 marks out of 100 in mathematics or science, then she does not need to punish me because getting one or two marks less are not significant issues, she should praise me for getting 99 marks. I wanted to say my parents that I could do a lot better things if I am not instructed and punished.
Also, I wanted to tell them that at least for a few days I want to live with them as a happy and healthy family. I wanted to say them that I am a trustful person. I am not a lier. I am not a bad boy. I am not violent. I am not evil. I wish my parents should have hugged and kissed me. I wanted to tell them that they should not be worried about what others say, sometimes they should worry about what I think or feel or want to express.
There were many feelings I wanted to express in front of my parents. In the age of six or seven years, when kids do lovely and cute insistence on getting their wishes followed by parents, I was trying to read thoughtful books for developing myself to resolve psychological issues between my parents.
Epilogue : objectivity and rationality
With the experiences of my life universities; I firmly believe that the circumstances can never stop a person to live with values, sincerity, and thoughtfulness. There can never be an excuse; impossible. I believe in death; I firmly believe that one day I will die. Thus I want to utilise my life energy with the best of the values and humanity.
Following the theoretical assumptions of psychology, I should have become a psycho killer or a rapist or very very violent person, also a very insensitive, cruel and brutal father.
Usually, people do not want to see things with objectivity and rationally. This is why with the time they become worse in place of being mature and thoughtful. And they force other also to become worse. This process continues. This is why most of the people transfer hollowness, negativities, superficiality, selfishness and self-centredness to their kids. Mechanical and routine customs never make children or people real sensible, polite and thoughtful.
With the time I had understood one thing very clearly that it is rare that people change themselves. Usually, people use excuses to justify their negativities, hollowness, intolerance and negativities. I met many individuals who misbehave with others just because they did not get a good tea in the morning or did not have a bath or did not have breakfast, or did not get proper sleep or slept one or more hours less. Usually, people are trained to justify their violence and insensitivity by these minimal and superficial reasons. Because most of the people use these tricks for justifications, thus these methods are widely justified, accepted, praised, also termed as smartness; and the trick users are known/praised as practically smart people.
I faced continuously too many negativities, violence and insensitivity from my early childhood but moved into the path of social construction and continuous efforts for social-harmony and sustainability with no-rest. I took my sufferings as the teachings of nature the existence of more significant causes. I wanted to utilise my life to make this world better for all humans. There are billions of people who do not get food, no roof, no security; only get continuous exploitation, pain, brutality, violence, cruelty etc.
I always preferred to work/associate with very interior, remote and tough areas. I worked in very remote, interior and tough areas of Bihar, Chhattisgarh, Rajasthan, Uttar Pradesh and other states of India. I started to work for indigenous people in the Maoists-violence areas of Bastar, Chhattisgarh when rare people were visiting there and government’s development works were not started. If I could understand and communicate a local language, I am ready to go and work anywhere in the world with most needy areas. The local language is the most important tool to connect with the people as their own, sharing their deep feelings/reactions/thoughts/experiences.